Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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