At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
