I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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