??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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