It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
