I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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