so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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