my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
