my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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