She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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