speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize