I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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