Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
