Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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