I cannot find my penis.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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