Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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