i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
