am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
