he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
