i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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