lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
