I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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