I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
