This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
