I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
