ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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