I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
