How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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