She's JV to your varsity
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
