Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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