Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
