so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
