so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I still have a little drunk in my system
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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