Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize