she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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