I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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