I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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