Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
