why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
