I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
