Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
