Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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