Just fell off a train. Bad.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
