I cannot find my penis.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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