Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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