You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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