He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
