He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
