she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
