im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
