I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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