Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
