just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
