first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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