New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
