I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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