When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
